The Dev’s Guide to Surviving Standups

"Tips for turning awkward team updates into something tolerable—or just how to fake productivity convincingly." If you’ve ever sat in a standup and thought, “This could’ve been an email,” congratulations—you’re officially a developer. Standups, those quick daily meetings designed to keep teams aligned, are somehow both too short to solve real problems and too long for people who just want to code. But don’t worry, your friendly neighborhood HotfixHero (HH) has got your back. Let’s dive into how to navigate standups like the pro you are—or at least like someone who knows what they’re doing. Step 1: Master the Art of Saying a Lot Without Saying Anything The key to surviving standups is perfecting the ability to sound busy without actually providing any details. This is especially useful when you’ve spent the last two days Googling how to write a function that your junior wrote in 10 minutes. Example: “Yesterday, I continued making progress on the task. Today, I’ll focus on resolving some edge cases. No blockers.” Translation: “I have no idea what I’m doing, and the only blocker is my lack of motivation.” Step 2: Always Blame “Dependencies” Didn’t finish your task? Don’t sweat it. Just blame it on dependencies. Everyone in the room will nod in silent understanding because nobody really knows what that means. Example: “I couldn’t close my ticket because I’m waiting on a dependency from the backend team.” Translation: “I was scrolling Reddit, and now I’m throwing the backend team under the bus.” Step 3: Know When to Overwhelm with Technical Jargon When someone starts asking too many questions, unleash the jargon. Mention “refactoring,” “asynchronous processes,” or my personal favorite, “a quick optimization.” It’s like verbal bug spray—people stop poking. Example: “I’m optimizing the data pipeline for asynchronous scalability to ensure minimal latency.” Translation: “I added a console log to debug an issue, and now I have no idea what’s happening.” Step 4: Pretend You Care About Cross-Team Collaboration This one’s easy. Just toss in a comment about how you’re coordinating with another team, and everyone will think you’re a hero. Bonus points if you use buzzwords like “alignment” or “synergy.” Example: “I had a quick sync with the UX team to align on the user flows.” Translation: “I asked the UX designer to Slack me the latest mockups.” Step 5: Have a Go-To Blocker Ready You don’t want to be the person who never has blockers. It’s suspicious. Come prepared with a reusable excuse that makes you look productive but not incompetent. Examples: • “I’m waiting for the deployment pipeline to stabilize.” • “The staging environment is behaving inconsistently.” • “Still waiting on final approval from the product team.” Translation: “I haven’t started yet, but let’s blame the tools.” Step 6: Volunteer for a Task You Won’t Actually Do This is a pro move. Offer to handle something vague and unmeasurable, like “research” or “exploring options.” It’s the perfect way to dodge real work while sounding like a team player. Example: “I can take a look at exploring alternative solutions for that.” Translation: “I’ll click around Stack Overflow for five minutes and then forget about it.” Step 7: Always End with “No Blockers” Regardless of how messy your situation is, end your update with those magical two words: “No blockers.” It’s the universal signal that you’re in control (even if you’re not). Example: “I’ve been troubleshooting some issues with the CI/CD pipeline. No blockers.” Translation: “The blockers are my life choices, but let’s move on.” The Bonus Tip: Keep It Short and Sweet The ultimate standup power move is brevity. The less you say, the fewer questions you’ll invite. Aim to be done in under 15 seconds, leaving no room for follow-ups. Example: “Yesterday, I worked on the feature. Today, I’m continuing. No blockers.” Translation: “Please don’t make me elaborate.” The Bright Side of Standups Sure, standups can feel repetitive, but they’re also an opportunity to stay connected with your team. In a world where we often work in silos, these quick updates give everyone a chance to align, share progress, and even spot opportunities for collaboration. When done right, they can spark great conversations, solve blockers faster, and remind you that you’re not alone in this messy, wonderful world of software development. So, next time you’re in a standup, try to see it for what it is: not just a meeting, but a chance to make your workday smoother and your team stronger. And hey, if nothing else, it’s the perfect excuse for a quick coffee break after. Cheers to that! Disclaimer: Just for Laughs Before anyone starts reworking their entire standup strategy based on this post, let’s set the record straight—this was all meant to be sarcastic and funny. We’ve all had our fair share of awkward moments in standups, but they’re genuinely important for keeping teams aligned and projects on track. Tak

Jan 17, 2025 - 21:23

"Tips for turning awkward team updates into something tolerable—or just how to fake productivity convincingly."

If you’ve ever sat in a standup and thought, “This could’ve been an email,” congratulations—you’re officially a developer. Standups, those quick daily meetings designed to keep teams aligned, are somehow both too short to solve real problems and too long for people who just want to code. But don’t worry, your friendly neighborhood HotfixHero (HH) has got your back. Let’s dive into how to navigate standups like the pro you are—or at least like someone who knows what they’re doing.

Step 1: Master the Art of Saying a Lot Without Saying Anything

The key to surviving standups is perfecting the ability to sound busy without actually providing any details. This is especially useful when you’ve spent the last two days Googling how to write a function that your junior wrote in 10 minutes.

Example:
“Yesterday, I continued making progress on the task. Today, I’ll focus on resolving some edge cases. No blockers.”
Translation: “I have no idea what I’m doing, and the only blocker is my lack of motivation.”

Step 2: Always Blame “Dependencies”

Didn’t finish your task? Don’t sweat it. Just blame it on dependencies. Everyone in the room will nod in silent understanding because nobody really knows what that means.

Example:
“I couldn’t close my ticket because I’m waiting on a dependency from the backend team.”
Translation: “I was scrolling Reddit, and now I’m throwing the backend team under the bus.”

Step 3: Know When to Overwhelm with Technical Jargon

When someone starts asking too many questions, unleash the jargon. Mention “refactoring,” “asynchronous processes,” or my personal favorite, “a quick optimization.” It’s like verbal bug spray—people stop poking.

Example:
“I’m optimizing the data pipeline for asynchronous scalability to ensure minimal latency.”
Translation: “I added a console log to debug an issue, and now I have no idea what’s happening.”

Step 4: Pretend You Care About Cross-Team Collaboration

This one’s easy. Just toss in a comment about how you’re coordinating with another team, and everyone will think you’re a hero. Bonus points if you use buzzwords like “alignment” or “synergy.”

Example:
“I had a quick sync with the UX team to align on the user flows.”
Translation: “I asked the UX designer to Slack me the latest mockups.”

Step 5: Have a Go-To Blocker Ready

You don’t want to be the person who never has blockers. It’s suspicious. Come prepared with a reusable excuse that makes you look productive but not incompetent.

Examples:
• “I’m waiting for the deployment pipeline to stabilize.”
• “The staging environment is behaving inconsistently.”
• “Still waiting on final approval from the product team.”

Translation: “I haven’t started yet, but let’s blame the tools.”

Step 6: Volunteer for a Task You Won’t Actually Do

This is a pro move. Offer to handle something vague and unmeasurable, like “research” or “exploring options.” It’s the perfect way to dodge real work while sounding like a team player.

Example:
“I can take a look at exploring alternative solutions for that.”
Translation: “I’ll click around Stack Overflow for five minutes and then forget about it.”

Step 7: Always End with “No Blockers”

Regardless of how messy your situation is, end your update with those magical two words: “No blockers.” It’s the universal signal that you’re in control (even if you’re not).

Example:
“I’ve been troubleshooting some issues with the CI/CD pipeline. No blockers.”
Translation: “The blockers are my life choices, but let’s move on.”

The Bonus Tip: Keep It Short and Sweet

The ultimate standup power move is brevity. The less you say, the fewer questions you’ll invite. Aim to be done in under 15 seconds, leaving no room for follow-ups.

Example:
“Yesterday, I worked on the feature. Today, I’m continuing. No blockers.”
Translation: “Please don’t make me elaborate.”

The Bright Side of Standups

Sure, standups can feel repetitive, but they’re also an opportunity to stay connected with your team. In a world where we often work in silos, these quick updates give everyone a chance to align, share progress, and even spot opportunities for collaboration. When done right, they can spark great conversations, solve blockers faster, and remind you that you’re not alone in this messy, wonderful world of software development.

So, next time you’re in a standup, try to see it for what it is: not just a meeting, but a chance to make your workday smoother and your team stronger. And hey, if nothing else, it’s the perfect excuse for a quick coffee break after. Cheers to that!

Disclaimer: Just for Laughs

Before anyone starts reworking their entire standup strategy based on this post, let’s set the record straight—this was all meant to be sarcastic and funny. We’ve all had our fair share of awkward moments in standups, but they’re genuinely important for keeping teams aligned and projects on track. Take the humor, enjoy the laughs, but keep the standup spirit alive.